Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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