A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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