theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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