so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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