How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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