franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
