You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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