Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
