Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
