I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
