can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
