my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
