You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
