I cut my penus on the lid.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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