He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
where are my eyebrows?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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