Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
