I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
