i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
now i know why i became what i already was.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
