Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
