I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
