Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
