it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
