Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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