Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
