the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she pinky promised me she was 18
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
