I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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