Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ttyl tear gas
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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