But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
