I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
