everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
