OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
