my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
