We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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