Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
