the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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