Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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