he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
