I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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