They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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