my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
