No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
