craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
As shirtless as possible
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
