i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
