I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
