Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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