i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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