Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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