It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
jump out the window naked night went bad
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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