just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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