Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
